I attest that the following story is true in its entirety, except the
names of people have been changed to protect identities (and hopefully
to provide a few cheap laughs).
First, a little background: this summer for work I am traveling,
teaching workshops for junior high and high school students. Sunday I
was
scheduled to travel across state (I live in western Washington) to
teach a one week workshop. From Bellevue where I live to Newport where
I was headed is about 300 miles, so no small trip. My sister lives in
Spokane, which is 250 miles along the same route, and I was planning on
stopping there first for dinner.
So here the story begins:
We are just coming out of several cloudy weeks. Summer has just
started, and it is here in full force. Sunday was projected to be the
hottest day yet this summer at 90 degrees
Fahrenheit.
This morning as I prepared for the trip, I checked my "usual car stuff"
that I do on most long trips. For me, the "usual car stuff" is very
simple: gas and oil.
(Note to self:
in the future, include "radiator coolant" in the "usual car stuff".)
After setting out, the first thing to do was to pick up the teaching
assistant who is going to be helping me teach this week's class. I
picked up "Odysseus" at one in the afternoon, and we set out for
Spokane. I
drove the first seventy miles and then stopped at a Safeway for a snack
and a 44 oz soda. We switched drivers, and Odysseus drove for the next
90
miles. The temperature in this part of the state was now 100 degrees
Fahrenheit.
While we were traveling on I-90 at 70 miles per hour, Odysseus and I
received a sudden shock: the check engine light came on. We exchanged
questioning glances for a moment, and then the light turned off.
"Don't worry," I said with a sigh of relief, "in my experience the
check engine light usually means nothing."
At that moment the engine cut out completely.
We coasted to a stop on the side of the highway and turned on the
flashers. I checked under the hood, and sure enough I was out
of
radiator coolant. Fortunately for myself, I keep a ready stock
of
emergency supplies in my car at all times. My stash consists of:
- A car manual, to look up any obscure necessities
- Jumper cables
- Extra power steering fluid
- Emergency
Pants, and a full outfit of emergency clothing.
- Two baseball gloves, a baseball bat, and 15 baseballs.
Putting my versatile emergency stash to its intended use, Odysseus and
I
played catch while we waited for the engine to cool down from
overheating.
(Note to self:
add radiator coolant (water/antifreeze) to my emergency stash.)
We tried starting the car again after it had 15 minutes to cool, but
had no success. I called my sister, "Cleopatra", to let her know what
was
going on and that we would be later than intended.
After another 15 minute wait we tried the car again, this time with a
more inexplicable result. The car started and traveled about 100 yards
before dieing. Further attempts to start the car proved useless.
By this time I was worried about the lack of radiator coolant. I didn't
have any water, but a certain pressing matter gave me a creative idea
of a possible substitute. I called my brother-in-law "Dienekes" to make
sure it would work:
Dienekes: "Hello?"
Me: "Hi. Is
urine an acceptable substitute for radiator coolant?"
[pause]
Dienekes: "Well,
of course you really should use antifreeze. But if you have absolutely
nothing else, yes it will work for an emergency."
Me: "OK,
thanks."
Dienekes:
"Make sure you check the --"
My phone went dead.
The screen was blank, it wouldn't turn back on. When I pressed the
power button the phone would vibrate in my hand; holding the power
button continued the vibration until I let go.
Don't these things happen with just perfect timing?
I decided to use my urine for radiator coolant. Two factors contributed
equally to this decision: my need to use something
for radiator coolant, and my extreme need to rid myself of the remnants
of the 44 oz soda I had consumed earlier. I filled the 44 oz cup almost
halfway, which turned out to be exactly enough to bring my coolant back
to a full level.
Unfortunately, the new coolant did nothing to help.
Fortunately, Odysseus has a mobile phone. No worries so far; I decide
to
put my AAA membership to good use. I call AAA and am connected to the
Washington State AAA branch. I press "1" for emergency roadside
assistance, and promptly I am connected to an employee:
[AAA employee #1]: "Good
day sir, how may I be of assistance?"
Me: "Hello,
I am stranded on the side of the highway."
[AAA employee #1]: "May
I have your membership number?"
[I give him my 7 digit membership number]
[AAA employee #1]:
"Our records indicate that account expired on April 30th."
Oh crap. I look at my card, and sure enough April 30th was the
expiration date. The employee went on to inform me that they could
still help, but it would be a $176 fee that my father "Ebenezer" would
need to pay as the primary on the account.
So I call up Ebenezer and let him know what is going on. He says to
figure
out what he needs to do to pay the fee and he will take care of it. He
also begins to make use of his contacts across Washington State: I am
stranded about 10 miles west of Moses Lake, where he knows some old
friends.
I place a second call to AAA. I call the same telephone number, from
Odysseus's phone as before. Strangely enough, rather than the simple
and
easy "Press 1 for emergency roadside service" that I received with the
first call, I instead get a voice activated menu:
[AAA recorded voice]:
"Are you calling for emergency roadside assistance?"
Me (perplexed): "Yes."
[AAA recorded voice]: "Please
say your membership number one digit at a time."
Me: "What,
you're doing voice activation this time? Jeepers. Okay, one, seven--"
[AAA recorded voice]:
"Please hold while we connect you with a roadside service assistant."
This time there actually is a small wait, as opposed to the immediate
connection I received the first time.
[AAA employee #2]:
"Hello, how may I help you?"
Me: "Hi, I
am stranded along the side of a highway."
[AAA employee #2]: "May
I please have your membership number?"
[I give my membership number exactly as in the first call]
[AAA employee #2]:
"Would you repeat the last three digits please?"
[I do so]
[AAA employee #2]:
"Repeat the first three digits for me?"
[I do so]
[AAA employee #2]:
"Please read the entire 16 digit number from your membership card."
[I begin to read my number, but she stops me after the first three
digits]
[AAA employee #2]:
"Your
account is not in the service area for this branch. But we still should
be able to send some assistance. Where are you at right now?"
Me: "I am
headed east on I-90, at milepost 164."
[AAA employee #2]:
"What town are you in?"
I had not seen a town for miles. In this part of Washington,
all
the towns along the highway are so tiny that I am completely oblivious
to them as I pass them by. Currently I am surrounded by farmland.
Me: "I don't know...
I'm not really in a town."
[AAA employee #2]:
"What was the last town you passed?"
Me: "I have
no idea."
[AAA employee #2]:
"I really need something to go by."
Me: "But I
gave you something to go by, a milepost number."
[AAA employee #2]:
"That's not good enough. What is the next exit?"
I'm not a great judge of distance, but the exit appeared to be anywhere
from a quarter mile to half a mile down the road. Either way, it was
too far to make out any of the words on the exit sign.
(Note to self:
add binoculars to my emergency stash.)
Me: "Well... exit
164."
[AAA employee #2]:
"I need the name of the exit."
Me: "I will
call back when I can walk to it and read the name."
*end conversation
Now maybe it's just me, but I would think that giving a milepost number
would be good enough. I mean, with a little simple math, it's perfectly
simple to pinpoint my
exact location.
I mean come on, this is AAA we're talking about, roadside assistance is
what they do.
Surely they could figure out a location given a milepost.
My father called back with the contact info of his friend
("Ralph") in Moses Lake. Ralph recommended an automotive shop and
agreed to meet me there when the tow truck came.
(Random coincidence:
one of my roommates my freshman year of college, whom I met online,
attended a high school where Ralph's wife was the principal.)
Now it became necessary to walk to the exit to read the name. I had
been sitting in my car while making phone calls, and decided to lock up
the car as Odysseus and I walked to the exit. Out of a built up habit I
checked my pocket for my car keys before locking the door.
My keys
were gone! I checked in the ignition, I checked in the seat, I checked
underneath the seat.
Of course, I ended up finding them in my other pocket. With
that resolved we set out for the exit sign, where we found its name:
Dodson Street.
I called AAA again on the way back. Again, I got the voice recognition
system instead of the "press 1 for roadside assistance".
I'd like to take this moment to rant about telephone voice recognition
systems. Under normal circumstances, they are merely annoying. However,
on the side of a major freeway with traffic going by, it's simply not
practical to say anything that the system will recognize. Again I must
stress that AAA really should have anticipated this: why use a voice
recognition system when a majority of callers will be calling from the
side of a noisy road? It just doesn't make sense.
[AAA employee #3]: "Hello. Where are you
right now?"
Me: "I am
headed eastbound on I-90, just before the Dodson Street exit."
[AAA employee #3]: "What
State are you in?"
Me: "I am
in Washington State."
[AAA employee #3]: "You
have reached the Southern California AAA branch. Please hold while I
transfer you to the Washington branch."
So this explains why I didn't get a voice recognition system the first
time: apparently the first time I called I was connected to the
Washington branch, while the next two times I reached the Southern
California branch. How this happened by calling the same phone number
from the same phone three times in a row I have no idea,
especially since the phone uses a Minnesota area code.
I was soon connected once again to the Washington branch, with the now
refreshingly simple "press 1 for assistance" system. I explained where
I was and that I would need a tow truck. This time they said that I
need to renew my account first,
for a $196 fee! I called Ebenezer again with the new information. After
a wait, he called back and informed me that the membership was now
renewed.
Before calling AAA again, I decided to give the car one last fling. It
started up without a hitch.
I can only assume that the car had overheated and needed the entire
hour and a half to cool off. Just to be safe, I took the next exit and
followed back roads to Moses Lake, keeping it under 35 mph.
Ralph met me and guided me to the auto repair shop. I called
Cleopatra and Dienekes, and they agreed to pick me up by driving over
100 miles from Spokane, and then drop me off at my destination.
After it was all finished, I reached an unusual conclusion. The whole
car trip, the breakdown, my cell phone, the AAA fiasco: I
enjoyed it. Really, I did. I enjoyed having such an unusual and
exciting day, even with the inconvenience.
I'm glad I have contacts. I'm also glad I was traveling with a friend,
being stranded by myself would have been boring.
Thanks for reading.